Day 1.
This is literally Day One. I’ve promised to finish my MA Thesis by December 2020, and my Lecturer insisted that one of the ways to improve my overall writing is to write. Weekly. (I believe I have blogged about this before?)
2019 was a bitch. The year taught me so many lessons. So many difficult lessons. There is no doubt that I needed to learn these lessons, and there is no doubt in my mind that I made the right decisions. Here’s a brief overview of lessons I’ve learnt, because Wednesdays are now for writing. Something. Anything.
Disclaimer: (Again) Please note, I write as a form of catharsis. There is nothing more freeing to me than to put my thoughts down and unraveling my thoughts while I write. My opinions are my own and I really don’t care what your opinion, of my opinion, is 🙂
- A marriage is so easy to get into, but so hard to get out of.
I walked out of my marriage in February 2019. It was my fault. It was his fault. There were a lot of things that contributed to that dissolution, but it happened. It was a culmination of a lot of bad decisions and you’re more than welcome to call me, text me, write to me if you want the deets. I have no qualms in talking about it because in my honest opinion there is no shame in admitting failure or defeat. Mine is not the first marriage to have failed. Mine is not the first divorce to take place. There is no shame in admitting that this experience has taught me a helluva lot about myself – and that’s so very important to me. I have two amazing kids, who I wouldn’t have had if I regretted my marriage. Do me a favor though, don’t pity my children. I don’t. Right now they know they’re loved. Right now they know that there are unconventional families. Right now they’re happy. Don’t say “sin for those kids” because honestly there are worse sins for them to experience. I’d much rather they grew up without a facade and with the knowledge that sometimes it takes more strength to walk away from a tough situation, than stay in one and comply.
The legal process in this country is tough. Its also pretty patriarchal. I have however not had any ‘horrible’ experiences. I have gone to police stations by myself and I have gone to courts by myself and I’ve been treated with a lot of respect. There is however a lot of bureaucracy and the legal profession and procedure (I’m sorry Lawyer friends) is a heartless, soulless one and I am so glad I missed Law Faculty by 0.68 marks!
2. I’m not going to change who I am because of you and your negativity.
I am an emotional person. I am very warm. I am childish. I am loud and uninhibited at time (especially after a few drinks!). I am blunt and frank. I am also easily hurt and upset. I am often used and discarded by people. This is all ok. I have always been of the opinion that these qualities I have allow me to work with kids and have on occasion justified being called ‘the child whisperer’. The last year made me crumble into myself and consider becoming vicious. Experiences have pushed me to brink of hardening my heart and losing my soul. I have lashed out and been mean and cruel. It was my son who showed me the light, “Ma, you’ve told me that I have to do good to people even if they’re mean to me. Why don’t you try that ma? It’ll make you happier. You’re a happy guy.”
Boom.
Children are honestly the best gift God has given us. Childhood should be eternal. I hate adulthood. Anyway, I stopped hating. I stopped being mean. I decided to put into the world what I’d want others to give me. It did not matter that I heard this person had said something mean about me, because at some point this person has been kind to me. So, I’m gonna go with that. I cannot fill myself with hatred and anger because it’s just not worth it. I have to set an example to my babies. I have to show them that Love always wins. It might not seem like it sometimes, but Love should always win. So there. You can hate on me, you can not agree with what I say, how I behave, how I choose to live my life and raise my kids. It doesn’t matter. You’re a person. If you know me, if you’ve been nice to me, my babies or someone I care about – you’ve got my love and affection, whether you want it or not.
3. My family is everything to me.
I told my mum this morning that I love her more in the beginning of 2020, than I did in the beginning of 2010. Through thick and thin my mum, dad and mallie have been with me. They’ve yelled and screamed at me. Disagreed with me. Called me a shit tonne of names to boot – but they’re the first to call me, check on me, feed me and show me that familial bonds are the forever kind. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
We don’t get to choose our family, but a family that chooses to stay with you no matter what, is gold. Everyone should value his/her family more. Accept that they’ll never see eye to eye with you, but know that their love is the forever kind cos they love you despite it all.
4. People matter.
It takes a village to raise a family. I have learned this. People who love you will surprise you in the most unconventional and surprising ways. I have learned to accept any form of help and love with my arms wide open. If I’ve talked to you about some emotional shit, or sent you a mushy message lately then you’re one of those people 😛
5. Every experience is a lesson.
All this is a learning curve. In the beginning of 2010 I didn’t even imagine this is where I’d be in 2020! It’s ironic. All this has made me stronger and made me unafraid. I am not afraid of change. It is the one constant in life and I have to learn to adapt, to move with the times and to grow. I need to let go of petty problems and issues, and just live. Perspective is everything!
It is very easy to say ‘I don’t care what people think’ and pretend to be thick-skinned. It is. When I hear what others say of me, or when others tell me I need to do this or be this – it smarts. It bruises me and I want to crawl into a hole and stay there for a few days. But I don’t. Because you know what? Yes, it affects me and it bothers me but it cannot define me. Your opinion of me is one opinion. And I know two others who have a slightly better opinion of me. I know another person who knows the context of my situation. So yes, you can bruise me with your words, but I’m still going to keep standing men. Can’t be falling down all the time. I’m a big girl. I gotta be strong. If not for me, for my babies. To show them that mummy tried; mummy didn’t succeed all the time, but mummy sure as hell tried. And that’s half the battle.
There. Day One is done.
If I don’t blog next Wednesday, its because I’ve actually begun writing the Thesis 🙂
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